That is me up there. Well, not literally me, but an image of me.
Seeking to diligently be apart of God's plan for humanity, rooted in love and through Christ, of redemption, renewal, reconciliation and restoration for ALL, so that all things may be united to Him, which breeds a true wholeness of peace, joy, comfort and yes, love.
Also seeking to wife up a cutie with a booty, ya know what I sayin'?!
(And with a love for Christ and a good heart, but like, the ability to twerk, too.)
This blog is a blend of theological explorations and silly, irreverent reblogs. I'm all over the place, y'all.
Love suffers long and never fails! (1 Corinthians 13:4&8, NKJV)
There’s no such thing as the perfect woman.
Don’t settle? That’s an impossible conjecture.
What if the desire for a relationship was framed by its output? That’s a convoluted sentence that makes little sense. What if all that I wanted out of a relationship was to be able to comprehensively love another person?
As opposed to little nit-picky things:
-must be able to dance
-compatible sense of humor
-appreciation of film
-love of Christ
I suppose if I am going to use the Bible as a guidebook to the way relationships are to work (which I’m sure is the intent of the book…y’all got that sarcam, right?), then I guess being in a relationship is about partnering up to serve God.
(Weird to me that people only seem to derive from the ‘Adam and Eve’ narrative is this male/female stuff - I think you’re missing the point of the purpose here…that’s my opinion. You might think I’m wrong. That’s okay, but I’m still going to think I’m right. Honestly - it really doesn’t matter anyway.)
Granted whatever we romantically engage in now is nothing like anything described in the Bible, so there’s a lot of discrepancies to be had. We put way too much thought and thus rules on “relationships” and “dating” and I guess ultimately “marriage”, and it wastes so much thought time and really is a vanity. Especially if you take to heart Jesus’ word on marriage, in which, other than ‘don’t divorce’, He pretty much stated that marriage is not eternal.
How important is something that doesn’t have eternal value?
So I want to simplify all of this right now - more so for my own sake as I process things than anyone else’s.
It’s all about love.
Too vague and cliche? I don’t mean it to be. What does it all matter when the purpose of anything - relationships included - is expending large amounts of selfless and sacrificial love towards someone? Submission and servitude without the unsettling historical implications those words tend to carry, but rather as a shout out to Christ who exemplified all of that in His life on Earth.
Do I want you to have brown eyes and a nice ass and a cute laugh that especially rings when I make a funny/witty/silly/really stupid comment? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
But what if I just picked somebody I liked and loved them, regardless of little details? If they don’t love me back - at all or just to the extent or whatever…if it ends terribly with a heartbreak…okay, but I don’t think it’s ever a waste of time to love. I want to frame it all differently - I don’t want to get into a relationship for me, but for her. Not what I’m getting, but what I’m giving.
I think if I pour my all into someone through love (and I’m not even talking about ‘in love’ - just the act of loving that is not exclusive to romantic feelings, even in intensity), then that does something. No one is unchanged by a fervent love. No one is left worse off by a fervent love.
And I’ve been striving to live a life that’s not at all about me, anyway. So let’s leave myself out of that equation up there. She’ll benefit - that’s all that matters.
I’m talking this one out with God right now. “So what if she’s not the ‘perfect’ one for me? Can’t I just love her, anyway?”
I mean, my definition of love is to be honest influenced by a cross. So I’m not talking about wallowing in stupid, overwhelming gooey feelings and feeding some chick chocolate strawberries as we listen to The 20/20 Experience. I’m talking about something akin to what Jesus has done for me. I drown in that shit daily, but I suffocate in it gladly. Can’t I just skip around, doing the same for others?
Can’t I just love?
I don’t know if this train of thought is born out of idealism or being jaded. Ironically, the latter (so I lied - I do know). It’s just so stupid over-thinking all these dating related things. True, I’m not going to be compelled to “just love” anyone, so I’m not saying I’m going to pluck some random off the street…
…except technically I should because I do believe in just loving everyone, but that manifests itself in different ways for different people …
…or even some person who I think is cool who likes me but I’m not feeling it with for whatever reasons. But for that person I am interested in - gah, I’m so tired of analyzing “Well, is she right for me? Will this actually work? Is this really God’s will? Is she marriage potential? Will this screw us over in the long run?” because what does it matter if I’m just loving in the way I believe I’m supposed to? More than just indulging in “butterflies in the stomach” and wanting to engage in endless kissing. But just showing someone what it’s liked to be specially served and cared for, regardless of what it all may have to do with me.
I could be entirely off base here. These aren’t conclusive thoughts. And I understand that I am coming from a place of wanting to rationalize and justify. This is just a glimpse into my internal process of seeking truth. This is still within the journey. This is not the end.
Because maybe what I’m describing isn’t an actual relationship at all, anyway. Maybe it’s just a throwback to being 17 and giving all of my love in every possible outlet to someone who could barely show an ounce of it back. There was a satisfaction in being able to love somebody like that, for sure. But that wasn’t a relationship. It wasn’t healthy. It was more hell.
And yet, I was still glad to be able to serve her. So maybe that’s why I just want to love now and not care about all the details. And I think if it blows up in my face because I’m loving exhaustively and she’s giving nothing back, that I’ll be okay. Why?
1) Been through it before and survived, and I had no idea what I was even getting into or doing it purposely. So 7 years later, I think I can survive again especially being more aware.
2) Christ did it. Does it. He empowers us to follow His example, so hey, I’m good.
3) Speaking of Christ, if all goes wrong, I have Him to fall back on. There’s no real heart break when I’m extended unconditional, endless love. With that love as my main source, I can love and not worry if I’m getting back from a human, because I’m getting more from God.
The thing is, you’re really cute.
Like, everything you do is cute.
And it’s easy to get caught up in that, smiling and staring and wishing I could be around you more than I get to (and without all those other people around, because those moments where it just gets to be you and me…man).
But I sit here and think of the “ideal” romance (I use that loosely, because my definitions don’t often corroborate the common ones) - I don’t think it could feature you.
Because I’ve had a fire ignited inside of me before, and though you certainly do something to my insides, it’s not that.
I don’t think we could ever truly create passion together.
That could be shallow - the result of watching too many whirlwind romance movies as I grew up (or just the same one over and over and over again for the past 16 years - Titanic, anyone?), but no, because like I said: I’ve had that fire ignited inside of me before. And once you’ve experienced that, it’s hard to go back to anything else.
I think right now I’m caught up in all sorts of crush feelings and infatuations and don’t get me wrong, I really do think you’re great, but the more I think about it, I suspect that there will be a point where that will all fizzle away, and it’ll have to end because it will go no further.
And perhaps that’s okay, for the experience.
But I’m starting to delve a bit into my mid-20’s and goodness knows that if I had a say in the matter, I would be settled down and married last week, and I don’t care how “traditional” it sounds - I want to start investing into the person I will be spending the rest of my life with now. I don’t want to waste such intentional time on anyone else.
And I already know I won’t be marrying you. Nobody tell me “Well, you never know what will happen.” I know. It won’t be you.
And beyond that, I know I have to be with that person who lights the fire inside of me. If we can’t create passion, then…
How I’m going to propose to/seduce my future wife
Think about it.
God created our bodies to be beautiful. Our entire bodies.
Yet we’ve turned it into something shameful and made it impossible for someone to appreciate the body as a whole without it immediately being “lustful.”
But then in an attempt to fight this, people have taken it to the other extreme and embraced a sexualization of the body, which isn’t the answer either, but actually rather fuels the initial problem - equivocating the naked body solely with sex.
If you cannot take in and appreciate the naked body of your preferred gender without it being lustful, then there’s going to be some issues come the wedding night.
It’s a fine line to walk, I admit, but maybe not as fine as we think. When we give into this idea that all appreciation of nudity, all sexual desire is immediately lust, then it opens wider the doorway to actual lust. We resign ourselves immediately to lust without consideration, which in turns makes it easier for us to fall directly into actual lust.
We also end up ultimately demonizing what is supposed to be a good thing. It’s dangerous to think of something “bad” or “forbidden” that actually really isn’t, because it turns a small stumble into a huge fall. It creates guilt and shame that may very well actually be unwarranted, and once that precedent of shame is there, it’s actually easier to fall deeper into something that actually is bad. Shame has a funny way of driving you further into sin. Shame makes you feel like you’re not good enough, so why not just give completely in since you can’t fight against it?
(Whereas grace draws you to something much better than what you’ve been doing. It gives you the freedom to overcome, the knowledge that you have been made good enough and with that comes the strength to resist.)
I think we define lust a lot of times as something as it’s not. I think we also use it synonymously with “sexual desire/attraction” which just not the case. Don’t get me wrong here - I’m not writing this in order to justify certain behaviors or thoughts, or to “widen” the narrow path. Not by any means. When the issue actually is correctly defined as lust, then it needs to be handled appropriately.
Lust is consuming. It takes control. It drives your actions, your thoughts, your motives. It takes a good thing and makes it the only thing, thus sucking all virtue out of it.
You can want to have sex with someone without it being lust.
Even bolder - you can have premarital sex with someone without it being lust. And I personally believe that sex should be had within the context of a lifelong covenant between two people (what we like to commonly refer to as marriage), but to reduce all sex outside of marriage to being lust-driven is ridiculous.
I just know I can admire a beautiful body in the same way I can admire a beautiful face or beautiful heart. It’s driven by attraction, sure, but it doesn’t have to be lustful.
Has it been lustful before? It’s not something I deal with often, to be honest, but yeah, sure, it’s happened, I suppose. But if I see a nice pair of legs, I will go, “Wow. That is a really nice pair of legs, and I find that quite attractive…” Then I will move on. And I should be able to say, “She has great legs” without it being considered in the realm of lust. Because it’s not.
Because why is it that we’re made to feel like we can’t appreciate God’s creations fully without it being sinful? There is a line - I will return to that, because I do think, say, pornography objectifies, exploits and is used to feed lust. But I honestly wouldn’t consider a tasteful, aesthetic and artful photograph of a naked woman’s (or man’s) body pornographic or inherently lustful if it’s intent is to truly highlight the beauty of God’s creation rather than present this woman or man solely as a sex object.
A common Christian complaint is that the world puts too much weight on sex, but I think traditional Christianity falls prey to that as well. Human attraction and relation doesn’t all come back to sex; there’s something much more beautiful and complete that it manifests into. If we say the object isn’t sex, then we need to stop freaking out about everything that can be remotely tied to it, too
I know I’m all over the place with this post, and a lot of it is relatively convoluted, but it’s not meant to be some put-together essay but rather the thoughts floating around in my head.
I think it’s a multifaceted issue. Wanting to have sex is not a bad thing. We’re supposed to want to have sex. And exercise self-control, of course, but have the maturity, wisdom and such to be able to embrace sexual desire as a part of being human. Repressing and villainizing it until marriage is a little ridiculous; are we supposed to suddenly turn on a switch to change how we feel about it as soon as the ring gets on?
I really don’t know if this is my concluding point, but you can think about sex without it being a lustful venture. It may very well be a harder thing for people to do, I admit - I am largely speaking from personal experience. I don’t know. I just think a lot of the dialogue about sex and lust within Christian circles is really ridiculous and ultimately ignorant. This “fight” against premarital sex that the church has taken up has turned into criminalizing all things that have to do with sex in some attempt to keep the unmarried away from it (which as we have seen is so effective) and I think there’s so much more to the sex thing than that.
I don’t know. I’m just talking.
Just kind of watched this video in which the speaker is saying that the Word is calling men to get a wife.
Really? Because the New Testament has a definite lilt of almost reluctance when talking about marriage. Jesus mentions marriage twice (didn’t double check this so I am willing to admit that I may be wrong on this): in regards to divorce and declaring that there is no marriage in heaven. There is definitely no “call” to marriage in his ministry, as far as what’s recorded in the New Testament, but a call to make disciples of all the nations. (Matthew 19:3-9; Matthew 22:30; Matthew 28:19)
It should be noted that after Jesus speaks on divorce, the disciples say that it is better not to marry, and Jesus does say that not everyone is able to receive that call. It is notable that He doesn’t refute the disciples’ words, but rather acknowledges that not everyone can handle singleness, which reads more as consolation than a call. And even if not a consolation, still not a call to marriage, but rather an allowance to those who want to marry. He’s not speaking against marriage, but He’s certainly not commanding it either (Matthew 19:10-12).
And of course famously, Paul has quite the negative take of marriage, offering it as a consolation for those who lack self-control. He’s practically like, “Well…if you can’t keep it in your pants, I guess we’ll let you get married, but you’re really better without it.” (my paraphrasing of 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 haha)
Stop making marriage the utmost aim of the Christian life! Because it’s not. Don’t tell men that they need to go find a wife now (as if it’s that easy or necessarily in God’s immediate plan for them). Exhort them to serve Christ and serve people! And if that significant other comes along, snatch ‘em up, sure! But I personally don’t believe we should be looking to get married. We should be looking to share love, address needs and serve others as we get closer to God, having faith that if we are called to marriage, then God will place that person in our lives at the right time. And being open to what He wants for us - whether it be marriage or singleness.
But to say that as soon as we hit our twenties, we need to be on the prowl for a spouse is foolish, in my opinion. And such hastiness and mixed priorities leads to trouble and potentially entering into a marriage one shouldn’t be in or isn’t ready for.
Why are we focusing on all the wrong things? Jesus Christ, who we’re called to imitate, was unmarried, for goodness sake! And Paul was unmarried during his ministry. Yet we hold marriage in such a high standing that I think it actually becomes an idol, because we place it as a higher calling and purpose in our lives than, say, evangelism, charity and all out surrendering to God.
Ultimately, though, I suppose that’s my interpretation and opinion, so take it as you will.
When you’ve been on the “bad side” of a one-sided “love affair”, it changes your whole perception of marriage - not even in a bad way. And I don’t mean “love” like in the way culture perverts the definition to make it actually pretty self-centered - all about the feeling we can get from someone. I mean “love” as in the desire to do any and everything for a person, to serve them even at our own inconvenience, even if we get nothing in return, even when it feels terrible (and not the terrible of “oh, he doesn’t have the same feelings as me”, either).
So you think about the times you’ve been put in that position and realize it wasn’t always all that bad. You love a person so much that you get a great joy out of selflessly and sacrificially serving them to the utmost.
So you don’t look at marriage as wanting a husband or a wife for yourself, as some sort of validation or to experience their love or as some false fairy tale of getting to exist in the bubbles and sunshine giddy feeling of a crush all the time, but you view it as the chance to truly and deeply serve someone in the name of love forever. As an opportunity to really love somebody under the umbrella of an unending commitment all the time.
It’s not about how they can make you feel, but you look forward to marriage to have the chance to love somebody like you’ve loved before, because loving someone special like that gives you a joy. Not a self-validating joy, but a joy of seeing that someone experiencing love and hopefully being better off because of it.
I guess the two best words I can come up with to describe the truest love is selfless and sacrifice. So I want a marriage that exemplifies that. That’s not about me, but the other person involved. And if the other people has that exact same attitude, then I think that’ll work pretty well. I think a good catch phrase for it would be, “It’s not what I can get out of it, but what I can give to it.”
I don’t want to be married so I can have some man doting on me all the time, or to feel special and pretty or desired, which I kind of feel like is what marriage is made out to be a lot of times to young women. But I mean, I already get to experience the best, most comprehensive, purest love, so I’m not looking to marriage to fill in a hole where there is none.
I would like to be married one day so I can love someone, at its truest definition. A love that suffers long, that is kind. A selfless, sacrificial love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things for the sake of the other person. I want to love someone like Jesus has loved me, and thus be each brought closer to Jesus’s perfect love through that. I think we often times idolize marriage in a bad way, not even truly realizing what it’s supposed to be about.
It’s not about what we can get out of it (though we will get so much from it when gone about properly). We’re giving our lives to a person. It’s not about finding someone to take care of us or getting to live in some idealized, Disney-esque love story. At least in my opinion. I don’t think the inherent definition and application of love changes any because of its context. Whether it’s in marriage or within friendship, to a family member or a stranger, it’s the same, with the root of it coming from God, which was exemplified best when He sacrificed His Son on the cross, selflessly for our behalf. To view love under the scope of what we can get out of it does what love truly is a great injustice.
I guess I’m not trying to find my validation in a partner. I’m not trying to find someone to love me or to be “in love” with. When the time’s right, I just want to love somebody in the way Jesus has been teaching me, in the context of a lifelong committed relationship. Selfless and sacrificed. I don’t want it to be about what they can do for me, but what I can do for them. I think that’s what love’s about, really.
Obviously, it’s not about desperately chasing someone who doesn’t care in the least bit about me - at least not in the context of marriage, because as I stated before, love is sometimes about that, since it should be noted that that’s exactly what Jesus did for us. But I’m not turning marriage into one-sided slavery here. But in the inevitable moments where the other person isn’t being the best, to state it lightly, I think it’s there that these principles really hold true. In the moments where the other isn’t being loving or nice or deserving (because every imperfect human certainly has these moments), are we just going to pull away?
No. We keep loving, selflessly and sacrificially, because it was never about what we could get out of it to begin with.
So that’s why unrequited love isn’t all bad. It teaches you a few lessons, prepares you for the future, I guess, if you let it.