"I have said things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
I'm all about that truth. It really will get better. All things will be restored. The pain will end. It really will.
I’m always a little surprised when someone who isn’t one of my best friends willingly reaches out to start a conversation with me with no ulterior motive (like asking a favor, needing a question answered, etc). I don’t know what that says about my self-perception.
jk I totally know. Sometimes I think intentional social interaction makes me so nervous because I’ve been made to believe that I’m not worthy of it, and people are going to realize sooner or later that they don’t really want to talk to me.
Or that I’m scared I’m gonna fuck it up. There’s so much pressure. I’ve never been good with pressure. Pressure turns my best into a mess. And yes, I kind of did mean to rhyme that.
I’m gonna get better at this, though. I know I will. I already have, and I can keep on. There’s this power that’s inside of me that compensates for all of my weaknesses. And is changing me gradually, but genuinely - picking away the fear, the hurt, the vulnerability and replacing it with peace, comfort, wholeness, healing.
I believe in that power. I’ve seen that power at work, and I know what that power is capable of. What I’ve failed to realize before is that failure does not discount everything; a little hiccup doesn’t have to equate to complete relapse.
And all of this is a process. Nothing happens over night or over a few nights, but many, many nights. We just have to push through the ups and the downs with the ultimate goal in mind, knowing that it’s coming if we don’t lose hope.
So I won’t always be so alone. Even in the midst of doubts, I have to force myself to have faith in that, trusting in something so much bigger than me and the nature of He who is so much bigger than me. Knowing that this all isn’t just for myself, but fits into a much larger picture that will contribute to all things experiencing this renewing change away.
I believe in that. And if hope is synonymous with foolish, then I’d rather be ignorantly blissed because at least I smile and feel peace and comfort. At least I have purpose and direction, and I’d rather not live any other way than that.
I don’t think I’m a fool, though.
Some of us are given a harder lot in life than others.
Whether it’s being an uber minority, having extremely meager finances from the get-go. Whatever.
I’ve come to see these uncontrollable pre-dispositions not as burdens, but as blessings.
God knew we could handle this.
He says, “Even with everything you feel like has been placed on your shoulders, you’re gonna get by just fine. All that I’ve given you - whether you perceive it as good or bad - will be undoubtedly be used for good, if you just trust Me.”
I haven’t been given a condemnation or a handicap. I’ve been given a mission.
So I feel blessed for the lot that God’s given me. Because He knew I’d be able to handle it. And He’s going to use every single part of me for His glory. It might be rough at times - rougher than some others have it - but at the end, there’s so much glory that all the troubles will ultimately be left forgotten.
How can I judge when I’m the worst?
Also. Vanity. Every single thing is vanity outside of Christ and what is influenced by Him.
Lastly, I have an attitude problem today. I’ve become aware that it’s foolish to ignore my folly. I have a bad attitude today. It’s also foolish to dismiss folly. So it’s not good that I have a bad attitude. So praying through said bad attitude and hopefully it’s a good one tomorrow.
And trying not to willfully wallow in my disgruntlement.
I lied - that wasn’t lastly. My pride is astronomical sometimes. No wonder God has to completely level me into absolute humility routinely. So much self-focus or rather, a desire to be known (for my better qualities to be known). It’s the worst because I don’t even need to be affirmed. I just want people to know how good I am at certain things.
Stupidity because what do I have to do with anything good that I have? Talents, intuitions, knowledge - whatever I have was given to me for some reason. I didn’t ask, I didn’t earn it; God just blessed me out of grace.
Yet I want people to think I’m so good for these things, as if I can rightfully take credit for it?
Sometimes I’m not like that. In the moment I wrote that, though, I was. It’s a constant battle against pride here. But the Holy Spirit within me will ultimately prevail, I do have faith in that.
It’s so hopeful, right? All the verses about sanctification, completion. That God guarantees that He will make us completely holy. There will be heaven for eternity, and I will finally be perfect. Not to my glory. Not for means of comparison. But all to God’s glory and purpose. And best of all, it means I can really be with Him, in His presence forever.
All this will end someday, thankfully. And then real life will begin.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in Him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It’s amazing - the second I get myself in check with my relationship with God, realize that I’d been slipping and letting external matters get me down, and start to straighten it all out, things really start to turn around. God is so faithful. If you follow Him wholeheartedly, He will definitely come through, every single time. The difference in my feelings, the resurgence of hope I’ve been feeling - I know it’s nothing less than Him.
Amazing what really putting your hope in Him and striving for His will will do for your life. And the changes are almost instantaneous - it’s amazing. My state of mind between now and last week - so different. God’s got this. I am soo excited for the future and what He has in store for my life!